• Number of messages sorted through: 465
• Number of spam messages missed by filters: 39
• Number of real messages marked as spam: 4

OH MY GORT.

The news that comes through the electronic circuits at my spam box is TERRIBLE this week. I mean, I thought we were in a land of beauty and light since last week proved that dreams could come true. But apparently, according to this email, the sitting President just killed the First Lady-Elect. Really! Says so right in the subject line: “Bush Killed Michelle Obama”. And the email says I got it because I’m subscribed to some MSN email list. MSN — that’s MicroSoft Network. That’s the first three letters of MSNBC, and Keith Olberman wouldn’t lie to me about something this grave! Sure, I haven’t heard any other mention of it, but that’s the beauty of email! You get news as it happens! Sometimes before! Hm, “If you do not wish to receive this MSN Featured Offers e-mail, please click the “Unsubscribe” link below.” Why on earth would I want to do that? How else am I going to find out who President Bush kills next?

“BAD economy? Low salary? Buy an University Dip1oma/Bacheelor from us, No Study/Exam needed peurpi 5o”
They’re RIGHT. It IS a bad economy. My salary IS low. But look at this — these poor Bacheelors must be selling off their Dip1omas to buy food! The world is an absolute mess! I’m not currently seeking a Bacheelor, but there’s a phone number I can call. Bless their poor hearts, I bet it’s their mom’s house. Or moms’. I hope it’s the latter; what a terrible time to be an American if a huge Catholic family of Bacheelors all had to sell their degrees and themselves just to keep their one mother happy.^*

Granted, I’m pretty low on work myself. I can’t even finish any of my freelance illustration work because my computer is still in the shop, and Apple can’t find the right part anywhere, and I almost started crying on the phone with AppleCare things are looking so bleak. I’m typing this on an ancient machine that can’t even run Firefox, and I’m wearing fingerless gloves because the heat is off, and I just don’t know how much longer — Wait, hang on, what’s this? “The Art Of Craft Ltd®”? Subject: “Part Time Job Offer”?! It’s got one of those circle-R things after the name, this must be BIG. Lessee, Henry Wilson blah blah blah growing art company in Spain — well, I mean obviously you’re from Spain, with a name like Henry Wilson — Ah, I see! They want to hire me to be their representative in the States, because they can’t be bothered to travel all the way here to pick up payments for their art products. All I’d have to do is accept the hundreds of thousands of dollars in cheques, money orders, &c and wire it to them in Madrid. And I get to keep ten percent off the top! Oh, so tempting, but unfortunately, as I mentioned before, my computer’s in the shop, so I’m afraid I’m not reliable enough to be able to wire all that money in a timely fashion. Poor Señor Wilson, you’ll have to find another representative.

Oh NOES! Now I’m getting an email from Citibank telling me they’re going to suspend my account! Oh, no, it’s okay, if I click the link going to tv5korat’com/web’da-us’citibank/longurl-I-wont-bother-typing, they’ll keep my account open. Hooray! But… but wait, no, I’m using an ancient machine with Internet Explorer, how am I supposed to read that file? And look! American Express is shutting me down, too! And Chase Bank! And Wells Fargo! And ANZ Internet Bank! I didn’t even have accounts with most of those people, and they’re preemptively shutting down my accounts! I’M DOOMED.

At least there are a lot of people offering me naked photos of Cindy McCain. Maybe I’ll get to see them before the President makes her his next victim.

Doom & gloom? Share your troubles in the comments.

^*Fun with apostrophe jokes! Grammar is your friend!